© 2016 by Ashlea Williams.

United Kingdom 

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Kindly fuck off. 🖕🏽

December 12, 2017


Tired. Drained. But I’m going to go and if it all fails then I’ll just sleep. 




It’s been around maybe 4 months since my first seizure after 7 years of being completely clear... 


I have visited the doctors around 6 times, I ordered my own blood tests for my iron amongst other tests.


I have had a really bad medication prescribed to me (Neproxin) that actually causes seizures and constipation of both of which I suffer with.... 


I have had two cancellations for the NHS to see the Nurologist and they have just issued me with a new appointment now for February 5th. My first appointment was this December. 


Apparently this is now out of the doctors hands because they have done all they can do in referring me. 




So tell me... How would this make you feel? Your not getting enough sleep because the nerve damage on your back, you can’t get comfortable, so you wake up with the shit morning anyway, you plaster a smile on your face and go to work, unfortunately your job involves bending at every sale for the customer which is putting pressure on the nerve, you try to minimise this by coming up with solutions to not bend down,  lifting metal trays of filled dough takes it tole for sure, you take breaks to sit down, You find yourself not being able to do your own job, you don’t want to rely on other members of the team, you feel unstable, throbbing pains on the top left hand side of the head, you see small white lights in the eyes, you can’t actually put a sentence together because of the pressure on the brain, you then become frustrated, you can’t stay stable so you hold on the side and try to continue, you can’t respond to emails because you can’t stare at the screen, you can’t eat because you chuck it back up, you go home to sleep for a few hours and wake up to hope the pressure has gone or you simply curl up and cry and hope to have a seizure so it just releases the pressure on your brain. You start having acupuncture in the hope it’ll release the nerves tension, she tells you it’s two nerves that are damanged that leads to the top of your head. Fantastic, so the longer I leave it because the NHS keep cancelling my appointments means what exactly?




So all you can do is try to fight and push through the pain, become as stubborn as possible so that you tell yourself what ever it is ... it won’t win. I will do things I have planned to do.. I will continue to push through and only sometimes will you win. 



   You might take me out for a few hours

      You are causing me to forget things.

         You make it hard for me to put a    

                    sentence together,  


    but you won’t take it out of me for the 

        whole 24 hours I have in the day. 



I may wake up knowing I’ve had a seizure in the night but if I can wake up, stand up and dress myself then I am winning. 



When you hit me hard with the pain, I hold my head. 


 If you see me fall pick me up! 


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